When “Yes” Doesn’t Mean Yes: How Fawning Shapes Sexual Experience and Trauma

When Pleasing Becomes Survival

As a sex therapist, I often hear clients wonder why intimacy feels complicated, confusing, or draining. They long for closeness yet notice patterns of saying “yes” when they don’t mean it, shutting down their own needs, or disappearing from their bodies during sex. These struggles are not about lack of willpower or brokenness—they often stem from a nervous system wired for survival.

Most people have heard of fight, flight, and freeze trauma responses. But there is a fourth response—fawning—that psychologist and trauma expert Ingrid Clayton has helped bring into mainstream awareness. Fawning is the act of appeasing, accommodating, or pleasing others in order to avoid harm, keep the peace, or secure affection.

When it comes to sexuality, fawning can profoundly shape how a person experiences desire, consent, and connection. In this article, I’ll explore how fawning shows up in sexual relationships, why it develops, the cost it carries, and pathways toward healing.

What Exactly Is Fawning?

Fawning is the impulse to trade authenticity for safety. Instead of fighting back, running away, or freezing in place, a person may comply, perform, or over-accommodate to minimize danger or secure belonging.

Dr. Ingrid Clayton describes fawning as “a hybrid trauma response,” one in which we appear outwardly engaged—pleasing, flattering, accommodating others—while simultaneously detaching from ourselves. (Ingrid Clayton, PhD)

She writes, “We don’t want to fawn. No one wants to abandon themselves or feel inauthentic. But when faced with the double bind of ‘keep yourself safe’ or ‘raise your self-esteem,’ the body chooses safety every time.” (Ingrid Clayton, PhD)

This pattern usually starts in childhood. If a child grows up in a home where love is conditional, where saying “no” leads to punishment, or where their needs are ignored, they may learn that being pleasing is the safest option. The child internalizes: If I make myself easy, agreeable, and helpful, I won’t be abandoned or hurt.

As adults, those same strategies often spill into romantic and sexual relationships. In intimacy, the fawn response doesn’t ask, What do I want? Instead, it anxiously scans: What do you need from me? How do I keep you happy so I remain safe?

How Fawning Shows Up in Sex

1. Agreeing to Sex Without Genuine Desire

The most recognizable feature of sexual fawning is saying “yes” when the inner truth is “no.” This isn’t always about overt pressure; it can be subtle. A partner expresses desire, and instead of tuning inward, the fawner overrides their own exhaustion, lack of interest, or discomfort in order to avoid disappointing or upsetting their partner.

• Case example: A woman in her forties told me she often had sex with her spouse even though she was exhausted after work. She feared that declining would make him feel rejected, so she pushed her own needs aside. Over time, her resentment grew, and her sexual desire faded.

2. Checking Out of the Body

Fawning often requires disconnecting from the body in order to endure experiences that don’t feel good. During sex, this might mean going numb, dissociating, or focusing entirely on the partner’s satisfaction while ignoring one’s own.

• Case example: A man who survived childhood abuse described “leaving his body” during intimacy. He could perform sexually but rarely felt pleasure himself. His nervous system had learned that being present in his body was unsafe.

Clayton emphasizes that the fawner often internalizes a sense of needing to perform, to anticipate, to give—for survival. She says, “Fawning gave me not just the what of my behavior—perpetually playing into harmful hands—but the why. I didn’t have a low self-esteem problem. I had a body with hardwired operating instructions, designed to keep me safe.” (Ingrid Clayton, PhD)

3. Difficulty Voicing Boundaries or Desires

For people who fawn, speaking up about needs or dislikes can feel dangerous. They may fear being seen as demanding, ungrateful, or unlovable. As a result, they may go along with acts that feel uncomfortable or suppress the courage to express what they truly enjoy.

• Case example: A client in her late twenties admitted she never told partners about a sexual activity she disliked. She worried that being honest would make her seem “too much,” so she endured in silence.

Another quote from Clayton helps clarify this: “We are threading a fine needle when we fawn, neither risking greater harm through fight or flight, nor shutting down completely. This highly adaptive response is moving beyond playing dead to playing LIFE.” (Ingrid Clayton, PhD)

4. Using Sex as a Tool for Safety

For some, sex becomes less about pleasure and more about managing the relationship. The unspoken logic is: If I give you sex, you’ll stay. If I withhold, you might leave or get angry. This turns intimacy into a bargaining chip rather than a space of mutual desire.

Why Sexual Fawning Develops

Fawning around sex rarely appears out of nowhere. It is a patterned response shaped by early experiences and sometimes reinforced by trauma in adulthood.

• Conditional love: If affection was only given when a child was compliant, they may equate pleasing with being worthy of love.

• Fear of conflict: If saying “no” led to anger or withdrawal, fawning became the safest path.

• Trauma and abuse: Survivors of sexual abuse may learn that appeasement reduces harm. Their nervous system carries that strategy into later relationships.

Clayton describes how many people only realize that their pattern of people-pleasing, insight, or even "spiritual bypassing" may have been part of a chronic fawning response: “I never knew that my attempts at insight, compassion, and forgiveness were keeping me stuck. Mountains of analysis and being a good girl were simply bypassing my unresolved wounds … I never knew all this behavior … was fueled by a trauma response.” (Ingrid Clayton, PhD)

The Cost of Sexual Fawning

Fawning may have kept someone safe in the past, but it comes with deep costs in adult sexual life.

• Eroded desire. When sex is fueled by obligation, genuine desire withers.

• Shame and self-doubt. Survivors often blame themselves for “going along,” even though it was a survival response.

• Re-traumatization. Each instance of silencing the self can echo earlier experiences of powerlessness.

• Lack of authentic intimacy. Sex becomes performance rather than connection, leaving both partners unsatisfied.

Clayton points out a core truth: though fawning may feel like being invisible or overly “nice,” it is not simply a personality flaw—it’s a deeply ingrained adaptation. “So many of us learned to be attuned to everyone but ourselves. In Fawning, Dr. Clayton shows how this pattern begins, how it persists, and how to begin the process of returning to your own needs.” (Ingrid Clayton, PhD)

Compassionate Reframe: It’s Not Weakness

If you recognize yourself in these descriptions, please hear this: fawning is not a flaw or a failure. It is an ingenious survival mechanism. Your body did what it needed to do to protect you.

The fact that you fawned means you were resourceful and resilient in a difficult environment. Healing is not about blaming yourself for old strategies—it’s about gently teaching your body that it’s safe now to respond differently.

In Clayton’s words: “For so long, I thought if I was the only person who really loved me, it didn’t really count. But leaving let me know that my own love is the most important of all.” (Ingrid Clayton, PhD)

Steps Toward Healing and Sexual Wholeness

1. Build Awareness With Kindness

The first step is noticing. After intimacy, reflect: Was I truly present? Did I silence myself? What did my body feel? Awareness is powerful when paired with compassion.

2. Relearn Safety in the Body

Healing often begins with reconnecting to bodily sensations. Practices like somatic therapy, gentle yoga, or trauma-informed breathwork help the nervous system feel grounded. Without body awareness, authentic sexual presence is difficult.

3. Practice Boundaries in Daily Life

Boundaries don’t have to start in the bedroom. Begin with small everyday moments: saying no to an extra task at work, asking for what restaurant you prefer, requesting a pause in a conversation. These micro-boundaries strengthen your ability to set limits during sex.

4. Seek Trauma-Informed Support

Working with a therapist who understands both trauma and sexuality can be transformative. Therapy provides a safe space to process early experiences and experiment with new relational patterns.

5. Open Conversations With Partners

Healing fawning often requires supportive partners. Sharing the pattern can create space for compassion and collaboration.

Example dialogue:

• “I sometimes agree to sex when I’m not actually in the mood because I’m afraid of disappointing you. I want to practice being more honest.”

• A healthy partner might reply: “Thank you for telling me. I only want sex when you want it too. Let’s take things slower and check in more.”

6. Reclaim Pleasure for Yourself

Exploring pleasure outside of partnered sex—through self-touch, sensual practices, or noticing everyday moments of joy—helps disentangle sexuality from performance. When pleasure belongs to you first, sharing it becomes more authentic.

Moving From Survival to Thriving

Fawning tells the story of survival. It is the nervous system’s way of saying: I’ll give up parts of myself if it means I can stay connected and safe. But survival is not the same as living.

Healing from fawning allows a new story to emerge—one where boundaries are honored, consent is real, and desire is authentic. In this story, sex is not a duty or a performance, but a meeting of two people who both want to be there.

Invitation

Imagine what it would feel like to experience intimacy where every yes is wholehearted and genuine, where no is respected with compassion, and where your body feels safe to stay present. Imagine sex as a space where pleasure and connection flow naturally—not from fear or appeasement, but from desire, trust, and truth.

This vision is possible. It requires patience, self-compassion, and often therapeutic support, but it is within reach.

Fawning may have protected you once. But now, you deserve more than survival. You deserve a sexuality rooted in truth, freedom, and joy.